I hate vegetables … salads are meant to eat bacon
People assume I’m into clean eating.
I get it — I’ve got carabiners on my keychain, grow herbs on my windowsill, and own more than one flannel that isn’t ironic.
But let’s be clear: I’ve never turned down bacon (even when I was a brief vegetarian), and I’ve never willingly eaten a beet.
I didn’t choose this life. My body did. It ticks on butter, meat, potatoes, candy — and yes, every once in a while, my digestive tract actually says, “let’s not get scurvy.”
But don’t get it twisted. I’m not one of those happy salad people. I don’t crave kale. I don’t wink at broccoli. I still seek out fries and burgers at least twice a week.
So here it is. My sandwich.
It’s vegetarian-ish. It’s emotionally conflicted.
It’s called:
“The Leaf Me Alone”
For the person who wants to say they ate plants but really hid them under bacon and gigantic croutons.
Ingredients (Chosen for Texture and Tolerability):
- Bread: Something hearty and distractingly good. Ciabatta, focaccia, or a crusty baguette. If it crunches, it counts as flavor. Personally I toast it in a skillet with butter and a bit of salt and garlic seasoning. Adding a garlic aioli would be a solid choice as well.
- Token veggies:
- Cucumber (because it’s just water in disguise)
- Shaved onions (because they don’t taste like onions anymore)
- Thinly cut peppers (red, yellow, orange) — you can also roast them (soft, smoky, not too vegetable-y)
- Shredded romaine
- Maybe 2 baby spinach leaves if someone’s watching
- The lifeline: 4 strips of crispy bacon, double provolone.
- Optional extras: Crushed chips inside for texture (salt and vinegar kettle chips for a kick in the pants).
Instructions:
- Toast the bread with butter and garlic seasoning.
- Garlic aioli like you mean it.
- Lay down veggies — personally I like them raw and crunchy.
- Add the bacon and cheese.
- Smash the whole thing flat between the giant croutons.
Final Thoughts:
This isn’t a sandwich for health. I made it honestly because it tastes good, is fresh, and I can also check the “I ate vegetables today” box without hating your entire existence.
You didn’t evolve to eat twigs and microgreens, or have to hug a tree. You evolved to wrap those in carbs and give them personality with cheese and bacon.